Little Bits of Pixie Dust

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thourougly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!!"

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Attack of the Giant Cricket/Beetle

Last night A* and I were sitting together on the couch watching TV, like any normal Wednesday night. I had my feet up in his lap. He grinned suddenly, and I asked him what he was smiling about.
"I think that Belle (one of our cats) just rubbed against my leg and it tickled."
Not one to ever pass up an opportunity to pet my cats and tell them how adorable they are, I leaned over and looked on the floor to see her. Much to my shock and disbelief, there was no cat down there. No, there was the biggest bug that I have ever seen in my whole life casually making its way across the carpet. I immediately screamed at the top of my lungs and pointed, and then, like a scratched CD, I started repeating "EW, EW, EW..." over and over.
I have never seen A* move that fast in my life. He leaped from the couch to a bug-free area. At this point, he didn't even know what was going on, but he knew from the look on my face that this was a matter of life or death.
"What is it?" he gasped, putting a hand over his heart.
"A bug! Right there! Get it, get it, get it, get it!!" I yelled at him. I am prisoner on the couch as of this time, because I couldn't put my feet down on the floor in case of bug attack.
A* goes in the bathroom and gets a tiny piece of toilet paper. I don't think that he realized the magnitude of the bug. I mean, this was a giant, probably man-eating bug. Toilet paper is not going to stop it. I was ready for bombs and missles, followed by an immediate evacuation of the house. But A* gets toilet paper.
THEN he stands at the edge of the couch and calls the cats. Meanwhile, the bug could be God knows where and I am still stuck on the couch. A* is talking to the cats, telling them that they should get the bug, c'mon, get the bug, it's a snack for you! Not being stupid, the cats knew better than to mess with this kind of creature. They took one look and took off for another room. In my personal opinion, A* was just trying to get someone else to do his dirty work for him. I think that he wanted them to kill the bug so that he wouldn't have to. But obviously, this plan wasn't working. Also, by this time the bug has been on the loose for way too long and I am getting very agitated.
"JUST KILL THE F***ING BUG!!!!" I screamed with all my might. And he did.

I made him take it outside to throw it away, because I was terrified that it might come back to life and try to crawl up from the bowels of the toilet or get out of the trash and come and find me. I also made him do a thourough check of our room before we went to bed. And folks, this is why I love A*. Most men would pretend that they did a thourough check, when really all they did was walk into the bedroom, scratch themselves, and come out pronouncing the room bug-free. But not my A*, who is a closet wuss when it comes to bugs. When I came into our room ready for bed after brushing my teeth, he had all the sheets off the bed and was shaking them out with all of his might. He took the pillows out of their cases and shook those out too. Then, hold your breath ladies, he put all the covers back on NEATLY and perfectly. He assured me that there were no bugs, and I believed him. That is why I love A*.


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