Little Bits of Pixie Dust

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thourougly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!!"

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Obligatory Mother's Day Post...with some Angst!

On Mother's Day C. came and sat on my lap and asked me, "So since it's Mother's Day, does that mean I have to smile at you all day?"  and I told him that yes, that is definitely something that needs to happen on Mother's Day.  The whole rest of the day, whenever he would catch my eye he would paste the most garish, clown-like grin on his face.  I loved it.  The only other thing I asked for was a nap, which A* also graciously gave me.  It was wonderful; slipping into the covers while the sun streamed in through the window, and knowing that no little fingers (or sometimes other body parts) would be attacking me and pulling me out of bed.

That being said, this Mother's Day was a hard one for me.  My mom and I aren't on the best of terms right now, and it was the first time in my thirty two years on this Earth that I didn't see her.  Playing a childish game, I waited to see if she would get in contact with me at all; when it was 6:00 and she still hadn't, I broke and sent her a text message.  It was short and sweet, just "Happy Mother's Day, I love you." and she did write back, basically the same thing.  But nothing is the same.  My mom and I used to be so close; I didn't make any decisions whatsoever without running them by her, and I never went more than a day without talking to her.  We were friends as well as mother and daughter, and I cherised our relationship. 

It's hard to grow up and realize that your parents aren't perfect.  When we're kids, our parents are our whole world; our heroes, our role models, our everything.  Once we get a little older, the magic starts to fade a little.  I always thought my mom hung the moon in the sky, and it is hard for me now that I don't believe that anymore.  I did exactly what my mom said to do, how she said to do it, when she said to do it.  As an adult, I am making my own choices and following my own path, and some of those things are not what my mom would have chosen.  Instead of supporting me in these decisions and maybe just being there in case I fall, my mom has decided that she can't be there for me at all, regardless of whatever the situation is.  As I have said before, my parents absolutely hate A*, for reasons that I may go into in the future.  My mom is completely disappointed in me that this last seperation didn't stick and that I'm attempting to work things out with my husband.  Some of her points are even valid points.  However, it isn't her choice to make.  It is my family, my husband, my decision to make, and the fact that I went against what she thought was right is just unacceptable to her.  She can't come to terms with it, and she can't get over A*.  Nothing I can do or say (or anything HE can do or say) will change that, not unless the world implodes and pigs are racing across the sky and Hell announces it's new ice skating rink. 

The fact is, she's making things weird and uncomfortable for C. and I don't know what to say to him.  I never want to keep C. from her, he loves her, but in the past she has made some threats and it seems like when she's mad I don't know exactly what she will do.  I hope all this hatred is worth it for her; I don't want my son to learn that, I want him to learn forgiveness and giving people another chance.  I never thought she was a spiteful person, never thought she was one to hold a grudge... in fact, I've never SEEN her hold a grudge until this one. 

So I didn't see her on Mother's Day.  And it sucked really badly.  And I missed her really badly.  I still think I was lucky enough to have one of the best mom's ever growing up; her shine is tarnished a little, but nothing can take away those magical times we had together.  I just miss her. 

Luckily I had a goofily grinning almost five year old to take my mind off things.


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