Little Bits of Pixie Dust

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thourougly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!!"

Saturday, March 09, 2013

Seriously my mother and her friends sound like they are screaming and sometimes it is really hard to come up with a title so that's why I said this

Stuck in this weird place between childhood and adult is a strange and uncomfortable experience.  I think that some part of me automatically reverts a little bit backwards towards the child side when I am around my parents for an extended period of time; I find myself whining sometimes, or leaving decisions up to them, like I am a teenager again.  But of course this time I have a child, and decisions that are very adult to make, so I can't relax into this state for too long.  Obviously I don't want to have to depend on my parents, though most times I am sure that they would like me to always consult and then follow exactly any upcoming decisons made by them  for the rest of my life.  Moving back in with your parents when you are in your thirties is certainly not an experience that I would recommend to anyone, as grateful as I am that I have a roof over my head and a safe place for C.  And living here has given me the ability to save up a pretty good chunk of money, so I have tentatively began to look for places. 

Here's where I get all defensive, and really that attitude only belongs to my parent's, because they are the only ones that really give a shit about my life, so pardon my harshness but I'm preparing myself for the moment when I have to tell them that I am moving back in with A*.  Yet another way that I feel like a child again.  When I was in high school, I was dating a dorky kid with horrible acne and my mother hated him.  I'm not really sure why; she always said that I could do better, and he did do some really stupid stuff, but the poor kid was fifteen and sixteen and I was positive I was in love with him.  I would lie about the status of our relationship to my parent's so that they wouldn't get mad; at one point when my mom caught us kissing in the basement she forbade me to see him, so I pretended like we had broken up and we would have clandestine dates after school and sneak out at night, when we would sit on the swing in my backyard and make out and then lay on our trampoline and stare up at the sky and talk about anything and everything that came into our heads (young love was so intense!)  Wow that was an extremely long tangent that has absolutely nothing to do with what I was originally talking about.  It will tie in together (probably) pretty soon.  What I'm trying to say is that this situation that I'm in reminds me of that time of my life, that time when I was fifteen and sixteen and had to sneak around with my boyfriend; now I'm having to sneak around with my husband, and it is ridiculous and almost in a way embarassing that I'm having to lie about meeting MY HUSBAND but I just honestly don't want to have to talk about it and be judged and that's exactly what would happen because my parents actually and truly hate A* and there is nothing that I could say to change their minds and as long as I live here I just don't want to hear it.  I can't make them understand that I love the man and that I want to make our marriage work and that I want to have my family back but I don't feel like I should have to defend that because I am an ADULT even though I live in my parents fucking basement and here you go, the circle goes round and round.  I don't think I'm making any sense but seriously this is the shit that runs through my head ALL THE TIME and aren't you glad that you are not me or in my head? 

So that's why I feel weird about my position in life and staying here and why I am scared to death to tell my parents the truth so I act in a ridiculous way and then I honestly feel like I should punch myself in the face. 

Sidebar (at first I typed sidebad, which would be a funny word but then when I was writing that I typed fird instead of first and that's even funnier because it's close to turd and I am seriously a twelve year old boy who just smoked his first joint) anyway I bought a T-shirt today that says "Some people just need a high five.... in the face" and to me that it just hysterically funny and especially because I am always saying I want to punch people in the face as noted above.

This has turned into a really long and winding post but my mom has a bunch of her friends over and I am in a dim basement with the T.V. on low and they are extremely loud and I just can't wait until I can be in a room where I can hear the T.V.  and I could paint my nails in actual light.  Fuck. 


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