Blech

I swear I can change emotions faster than I can change an outfit.  One second I'm feeling independent, ready to take on the world and be my own woman.  The next second I'm convinced that we will totally work this out and it will just be a learning experience to make our marriage even better.  Then I of course realize that none of this is true and I will be alone and miserable for the rest of my life, probably still living in my parent's basement.  Probably C. won't even acknowledge that I'm his mom.  Then back to feeling a little positive.  It's exhausting.

A* and I are talking.  Of course it would be wonderful if we could repair the things that are broken in our relationship and work it out.  But I can't go back to the way things were before, so there's a whole lot of work that needs to take place on both of our parts to get to that place.  I can't make C. go through this again, so I have to be absolutely positive that it is the right decision.  Of course everything that I do I'm questioning... is there a "right" way to parent when your whole life is in turmoil and you're trying desperately not to let the child see that it is crumbling right in front of him?  Right now A* and I are still trying to spend as much time as possible together with C. as a family, and obviously not discuss anything heavy in front of him.  C. has still been seeing him everyday, and I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible for him. 

But what's normal when your parents aren't there together anymore, when only Mommy tucks you in at night and Daddy isn't here?  I think that the hardest I've cried this whole time was when I dropped C. off to stay the night with A* at his mom's house.  Watching the two of them walk to the door and then go in there without me ripped my heart out.  The door closed after them and there I was, all by myself while the two most important people in the world went on without me.  I pulled down the street a little ways and sobbed until I couldn't breathe.  Nothing should be this hard.

Thank God for a wonderful and supportive family that took us in when we had no where else to go; the same family that I pretty much wrote off for another incident over the summer took us in with open arms.  But they didn't, however, take me in without conditions,but I'll get into that in another post.  I'm still trying to work all that out, too.  Anyway, they have given C. and I a place to stay and food to eat and love to last and that's more than anyone could ask for. 

I'm the type of person that wants to know what's coming next, I like routine and I like to know what's coming.  Having everything up in the air is killing me and the anxiety is through the roof.  I don't know where I'll be living in two months, who I'll be living with, if I'll be married, if I'll want to be married... it's driving me crazy.  A* keeps telling me I need to take things one day at a time, that things take time, and he's right but it is just so hard.  I used to have the future pretty mapped out in my head and now I just see a big question mark and I can't stand it.