Devastated

Without question this has been the very worst year of my life.  Marriage, extended family, finances... you name it, they have all fallen apart. 

I don't know what will happen with my marriage.  My husband has turned into someone that I don't know; one morning I woke up and there was a stranger in his place, and though I have tried desperately to find him I don't think this is something I can help him with.  God knows I have tried in every way that I know how.  I just can't live like this anymore, and more importantly I can't keep putting my son through this.  He told his grandmother that he can hear us yelling at night, and it scares him.  I feel like I am trying so hard to hold my family together, and maybe in doing this I am actually harming him even more by exposing him to us.  We both have major issues that we need to work on, and we have come to the conclusion that we can't do that while we are together.  I hope with all my heart that we will find that happiness that we had at one time; even if it isn't ultimately together, I want him to find himself again and I want ME to find myself too.  I have become a miserable person inside of this marriage, someone that yells and is hateful and says things deliberately to hurt.  I don't want to be that person anymore.  I can't, and I can't have my baby thinking that that is who I really am.  In my wildest dreams I never thought I would end up where I have. 

I hate not knowing what tomorrow brings, can't stand the fact that when I look into the future I truly don't know if my partner for the last ten years of my life will be in it or not.  I always told myself that my child would never end up in the same situation as I was, going back and forth between houses and not having any happy memories of my parents together.  But I am just so tired, I don't know if I can keep fighting.  Especially when it seems a lot of the time that I am fighting completely alone.  I have been alone for a while now, even while those last fragile strands of our relationship hung in the air.  My whole life I have been afraid of being alone; even as a teenager I wanted to know that someone was home, even if I didn't want to speak to them.  I had roommates in college, went back to my parent's, and then immediately moved in with A*.  I don't (didn't? god damn it) like it when A* leaves at night; I make sure that any unplanned times of free time are filled up with someone I can talk to.  My whole world is falling down in pieces around me, everything that has any meaning or substance is gone.  The only thing that is keeping me tethered to reality is the precious little boy who is sleeping soundly in his Cars bed, stuffy nose making him have cute snuffly noises when he breathes in and out, this little boy is mine and his father's only concern and I can only hope we haven't damaged him enough as it is.

I have never been known as a strong person.  There have been other instances in my life when my loved ones thought that I couldn't make it on my own, and I always pull through.  I HAVE to pull through, because none of this is my son's fault and my only goal in life is to make sure he has the best one possible.  I know this will include both his dad and I, so in whatever capacity we will both be there for him... this is one of the only things that I don't question.  My husband has never lost his ability to be one of the best dads I have ever seen, and they have a bond that I wouldn't dream of breaking.  Whatever happens with us I have to believe is what is meant to be.

But God, it is so, so hard.  I miss him and I hate him and I love him and I don't know him and I think of his smile and I keep thinking and thinking and things go round and round in my head and I never come up with the right answer and I lay down because I'm so exhausted and then can't sleep because I don't hear his cough in the night and I get out of the bed in the morning and don't hear a "good morning, baby" and then I'm pissed and somehow I have to put one foot in front of the other, have to dress the child and put my foot on the gas and sing silly songs without letting him hear the tears in my voice and once I drop him off I will sob and scream and shake and play sad songs at full volume and I miss him and I hate him and I love him and and and and and and....