Recently my mom and I have come to an impass in our relationship. After living with her and my stepdad for about four months while my husband and I were separated, she was positive that I wouldn’t go back to him and would forge ahead on my own. Instead, I chose to give my marriage another chance and she is completely against it. I know that she feels I just used her, used up her home and her heart and then took my baby and left again. A part of me even understands why she would be hurt and angry. I know the reasons why she didn’t want me to get back with my husband, and that same part of me understands that, too. A mother’s job is to protect her baby at all costs, and she feels that A* is not able to do the same. She just wants to take care of me, the same as she’s done my entire life. The problem is that I don’t need that kind of protection anymore; I can make my own decisions and have made choices that I feel are right for MY life, MY family. A* has never mistreated me in any way; he has made some complete dumb ass decisions that happened to affect our family, but he is still the greatest father I’ve ever seen and I love the man to death for how he loves me. I don’t feel that I need to defend him at every turn.
The last time I spoke to my mom was on April 27, her birthday. I took C. over for a family party and that was when he blurted out that the dog sleeps in Mommy and Daddy’s room, therefore spilling the beans that A* and I were definitely living together again, way before I was ready to tell. I wanted to get settled and have things go well for a change before I broke the news, gently. When he said it, the entire room got silent and every eye was on me. I blushed an unflatteringly tomato color and stammered out a subject change. After cake, everyone piled into cars to go and see my parent’s new condo. As luck (or my mother) would have it, C. rode with my grandma and I ended up with my mom in my car. Alone. She started the second I pulled out of the driveway.
“So, you couldn’t even make it a week, huh? I thought you could at least make it on your own for a LITTLE while.”
*Silence. How do you reply to this?*
“I am SO disappointed in you. So, so disappointed. (Your stepdad) is going to be furious.”
I still didn’t say anything. In my younger years, having my mom disappointed in me would have been the key to my undoing. I couldn’t have stood for it. I’m older now, and have a thicker skin, so I was able to hold off the tears until AFTER I drove away from the condo. But in my heart I was still devastated, because I still don’t want to disappoint my mom and I want more than anything for her to be proud of me. To think that I’m as good of a wife and mother as she was and is. Her opinion of me stings. It tears me up inside. This is the longest we’ve gone my entire life without speaking. I think of her every day, and more than once I have found myself scrolling through my phone, ready to text her some funny thing that C. did or a little antidote about my day, only to remember with a crash to my insides. Oh yeah, we’re not speaking.
And it hurts, really fucking badly. I miss her so very much.
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