Jealous
I went to college right after high school... in the neighborhood that I grew up in, that is just what everyone did. I graduated when I was seventeen because I had started school early. So there I was, fresh out of high school and just seventeen years old, and expected to make these mature and adult decisions. I moved into my first apartment with four other girls and threw myself into the whole college lifestyle- in other words, I did absolutely no work, partied all night and slept through class the next day, drank myself into a stupor... all those usual things. I was too young, I know now, to be set free like that. I had lived a pretty sheltered life, and to all of a sudden be thrown into this freedom was just too much for me to take. After two semesters, I was put on academic probation. I had always done well in school, and I think I just convinced myself that I could pull myself back up again. However, I couldn't be bothered to stop the late night beer pong or the sleeping till noon thing. One more semester, and I was out. Kicked out of school. It was probably the "worst" thing that I had ever done. I was a model kid, never did anything wrong and always made my parents proud... now I had to tell them that their precious baby had gotten kicked out of college! I was mortified and depressed.
Surprisingly, my parent's didn't immediately push me out of the family all together. They told me to take this as a time to get my life together, figure out what I wanted to do and how to do it. The first thing I did was get a full time job, as a copy girl at a law firm. I worked everyday, and now I had to excuse myself at 10 to go to bed since I had to be up and at work the next morning. I had to pay my own bills, because when I was kicked out of school my parent's told me that the free ride was over... I had blown that chance. I had to learn to take care of myself. And I honestly think that this period of time did a lot of good for me. I learned that you have to rely on yourself, and you have to be responsible in order to survive. Looking back now, I should have taken this year BEFORE I went to college and learned these things before a lot of money was wasted, but I didn't. The most important thing I learned was that I desperately wanted to go back to school. I most certainly did NOT want to be a copy girl for the rest of my life.
I went back. I saved up some hard earned money and I went back to school. And this time around, I don't know if it was the fact that I was paying for it myself or just that I had learned my lesson the first time, I did really well. My GPA never went below a 3.5. I did things such as study, and time manage. I was good; I was on the right track and I was going to finish school!
Then something horrible happened to me, and I fell apart. I couldn't get up in the morning, couldn't face getting out of bed. I had terrible insomnia and couldn't go to sleep sometimes until the sun was coming up. I couldn't face all the people in class, couldn't do homework, couldn't do much of anything but lay in bed. I had to drop out of school. I swore to myself that I would be back someday, though.
Things got better. I went to counseling and started working on some things. I met A*. Then A* and I decided to move in together. All of a sudden, I really had to be a grown-up. We both had to work full time just to keep our heads above water. School wasn't even an issue... there was no money, that was it. I put the dream back on the shelf for a little while longer. A* and I got new jobs, got a new apartment, and still it sat there.
Now we are doing okay. We have a beautiful apartment and are (usually) able to pay all of our bills. I'm proud of how far we have come. But I feel like it is time for me now. I want to go back to school. I don't want to be stuck in a cubicle for the rest of my life, in a job where I make not that much money and don't get that much satisfaction from. I know that I have gifts that I could be using, if only I had that elusive degree. And I want it more than anyone.
So when my friend told me that she was going back to school, a little part of my heart broke, because it just brings into focus how I am NOT going back, or even close. Yeah, I know there are options, and loans, and stuff like that. I know it. But I also know that there are never enough loans, and that I would still have to work full time and I don't think I would do well with that. I guess that dream has to go back up on its shelf for just a little bit longer. I hope that it doesn't get all dusty up there while I'm getting my life in order. I want to go back so badly I can just taste it. I know that A* would do anything that he could to help me, and I'm not done with this. I am going to keep thinking, and planning, and even if I am ninety by the time I make it back to the classroom, by God I will be sitting there with my walker propped up beside me.
What's that saying? About working hard for things and not appreciating them until they are gone? Yeah, I am on familiar terms with those kinds of sayings. But I can only learn from my mistakes and move on from them.
Even if I do kind of have this gleam of the green eyed monster in my eyes right now.
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