Little Bits of Pixie Dust

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thourougly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!!"

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Helpful Hints

Here are some things that they don't tell you about being a mom. Yes, you will love your child more than life itself, and yes you will be doing the most rewarding job of your entire life, but there are some things that you should know first.

1.) If you are trying to watch the Britney Spears documentary on TiVo, your child will start to cry and scream. If you are trying to watch ANYTHING except Dora and the Wonderpets, your child will cry and scream. You can try and distract him, and put him in his bouncy seat, but he will have no part of that. You will never find out why Britney shaved her head.

2.) Even if you do manage to get him to sit in his bouncy seat or swing for an extended period of time (that means more than three seconds), you will feel guilty that you are not playing with him or stimulating him. Everyone will tell you how you need to stimulate your baby, so every moment that you are not spending with him dangling age appropriate toys that he has no interest in in front of his face, you will feel a crushing sense of guilt. Pretty much everything you do from now on will be filled with guilt, get used to it.

3.) The best present that your significant other can give you is a block of uninterrupted time, which you will use to shower. Or nap, if you are me. But remember, refer to number 2, because you will feel guilty about this.

4.) If you want the baby to nap, say so that you and your mate may try and make another one (what??), the baby will never ever nap. If you don't want him to nap, because it is a half hour till his bedtime and you want him to sleep tonight, he will be harder to wake up than your grandpa after a big dinner.

5.) No matter where you are going, tack on another fifteen minutes at least, because your child will poop right before you leave.

6.) This job is sometimes really, really boring! It is really hard to spend all day trying to entertain someone who doesn't even know how to use his hands yet. You will crave adult interaction, and will be reduced to yelling back at Judge Judy on TV, because at least she isn't pulling your hair or pooping her pants.

7.) You may never wear regular clothes again. Your new uniform will consist of sweatpants, a ponytail, and flip flops... if you have to leave the house. Inside, you will be in your pajamas. Maybe a robe.

8.) You will not get to shower everyday, and you don't even care. Soon you won't even notice the scent of spoiled formula wafting from your pores. You are too busy yelling at the TV and feeling guilty.

9.) You will never eat a full meal again. You will simply graze on whatever is left if your child sees it fit to let you have five minutes to scarf your food down. If you do get a meal, it will be cold.

10.) It is the very best job you will ever have in your life, and someday you will look on these early days with fondness. And guilt.


  • At 1:34 PM, Blogger Jay said…

    And yet you've retained your sense of humour, and for that, I am grateful. Good stuff.


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