Little Bits of Pixie Dust

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thourougly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!!"

Thursday, November 20, 2008

"Eye" See

I wonder if anyone else out there worries as much as I do. I waste so much time worrying about things that may never happen, and I just don't know how to stop myself. It's like I feed off worry. And I have a very healthy appetite.

Of course, since the Peanut has been around I just worry a hundred times more. If I set him in his bouncy seat or swing, I worry that I'm not spending enough time with him. If I am playing with him, I worry that he will get too spoiled or won't be independant because I never put him down. I worry about how much he sleeps, how much he eats, if he is okay alone in his room at night, am I giving him enough baths, is he happy.... the list could go on and on. I am trying to be the elusive "perfect" mother, even though there is no such thing.

That being said, Peanut has an eye doctor appointment next Monday and I'm very worried. I wake up at night and think about it. I noticed when he was about a month old that he had one pupil that was bigger than the other. At the time, he also had an infected tear duct and the doctor told me that it was probably due to that. Well, the infection cleared up but the pupil never got smaller. And now he is at the age where he is supposed to be looking at stuff more closely, and it just seems to me that he isn't looking at anything closely. If I hold something up in front of his face, he never focuses on that object, but rather will crane his head around to try and NOT look at it. He doesn't respond to rattles being shaken in his face, or fingers wiggling. I know that he can see the light, because he is always staring in that direction. I just don't know. Sometimes it seems like he IS looking at me, but as soon as I think about it he isn't anymore.

A* tells me not to worry, and really we're going to the doctor on Monday so what can I do in the meantime? But I just can't help it, I don't know how to turn off that part of my brain. And I know, if God forbid something was wrong, we will get through it. The anticipation is almost worse than whatever the outcome may be.

I just can't stand the thought of something being wrong with my precious little boy and there is nothing I can do about it. I can keep him fed and warm and dry and clean, but my magic wand does not extend to eye issues.

I need a new magic wand.


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