Little Bits of Pixie Dust

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thourougly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!!"

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Well... we got a car, finally. And now that I have signed my life away for three years, I walk around with a constant knot in my stomach because I'm worried about making the payments. I have never had a car payment before, I have always just bought my cars outright. Perhaps that is why I have only ever owned shitty cars and they break down all the time. Anyway, this has just been a really bad month for us. It seems like the whole world decided to look down at us and just vomit on our heads. Finances are, in a word, horrible. I am worried and stressed all the time. I am forever "figuring" something in my head, going over and over my mental list of bills and paychecks. A* and I don't talk about anything anymore except "What are we going to do?" I feel really badly for him, because he has this old fashioned notion that The Man should take care of the woman, and he feels bad that he is not living up to his job. I, of course, tell him that we do not live in the 1800's anymore and it is perfectly acceptable to live off your wife... if only I had something we could live off of. Anyway, he feels that he isn't doing his duty as my fiance.
A lot of days, I feel like staying in bed, pulling the covers over my head, and staying there for a loooong period of time. That way no one can find me and tell me any more bad news. We are definitely at the bottom of the barrel, and I am trying desperately to claw my way back up to the top. A* has been working overtime, I have been working overtime, we haven't bought anything for ourselves in so long (except a car, which was really a necessity). A*'s birthday is this weekend, and I don't think we even have the money for me to get him a card. A card! That makes ME feel like the world's shittiest girlfriend. And he's been working so hard, I really wanted to do something special for him...

Well, that's it. I just wanted to let you all know why I haven't been around in a while. Been trying to get my head on straight, swallow that knot in my stomach, and press on. Because really, there is no other choice.


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