Little Bits of Pixie Dust

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thourougly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!!"

Friday, June 16, 2006


First of all, I want to say that I had written a whole long entry, and then *poof* the power went out and everything disappeared. So this is the second try, and it may not be as good as the first... but hey, you didn't get to read the first anyway, so it really doesn't matter!

So I have been mulling this problem over and over in my head. I know that soon (please please God, let it be soon) A* may just take the plunge and actually propose to me, and then I will have a wedding. And that presents a problem. I have two men in my life that I consider to be my dad... one that is actually, biologically my dad, and the other that is in spirit and in heart my dad.

My stepdad, I'll call him K, where should I even start. The first time I met him, he crouched right down on the floor where I was coloring and presented me with a stuffed bear. He very seriously asked me if he could take my mom out, and me, being five and in awe of someone actually asking ME permission to do anything, said yes. About a year later, my mom and K got married. I was the flower girl in their wedding, and when the minister was saying the final blessing she included my name in it, and talked about our new family. But that first year was tough. I was angry that some guy had come into MY house and was taking up the spot on the couch next to MY mom, and K was trying to figure out the boundries of our relationship. K was a trooper, though, and kept trying. The first time I remember feeling really close to him was when we joined a father/daughter group together, and we went on our first overnight camping trip. I never liked to leave my mom, but in the middle of the night while I was giggling with the other girls and our dads roasted marshmellows for us, I realized I wasn't homesick at all, and that was because my dad was there. It was a good feeling.

K was there to hold my hair back when I threw up, applied countless Band-Aids to countless skinned knees, watched me and my friends perform backyard plays, taught me to ride my bike. He held me as I sobbed over my first broken heart, and he was the first man ever to bring me flowers. He never missed a swim meet, a choir concert, or a parent/teacher conference. In retrospect, now that I'm older, how amazing is it that this man, who had never even had a child, stepped into his role as a father so completely and without any complaints. In conversations, I am never, ever his "step"daughter, only his daughter.

And my real dad? Well, as I've said in previous posts, he wasn't always the greatest, and he wasn't always there. K stepped into his role with no question. But as I grew older, my bio dad and I began to repair our relationship, and it grew into a real friendship. Now, I see my dad at least once a week, and we talk via email and phone all the time. He has done a lot for A* and I, especially when we were just starting out together. But does this replace all of the lost time? Does this make him an equal player in walking me down the aisle?

I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. In my heart, I think that K is the one that should be walking me. I know that he will have some cute things to say as he gives me away, and he really will be giving me away because I was always his "little munchkin." But how do you look the man that created you in the eye and say that he just didn't do a good enough job, so he's been substituted? I just don't know what the right thing to do here is. Any suggestions?


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