As a mother, pretty much everything to do with C. causes me to worry and feel guilty. This past year, as you can imagine, that fact has been doubled because of all the shit we’ve put the poor little guy through. Moving, separated parents, living with my parents, UN-separated parents, another new place to live… it was a lot for ME to deal with, and I’ve got a little more life experience than the almost five year old. So when C. started to exhibit some undesirable behaviors, I chalked it up to all of this stuff and gave him some extra slack. Not to say that he didn’t get punished for screaming in our faces, or when he out and out refused to listen to anything that we said; he got the time outs, he got sent to his room, he got things taken away. But nothing seemed to be working. And I seemed to be yelling all the time, so frustrated and unable to come up with any kind of solution. Some mornings I would stay in my bed as long as possible (A* gets up with him on the weekends, it is their “special” doughnut and cartoon time together) just because I didn’t want to have to be THAT mom anymore, the one with no patience and who yells all the time. I found myself dreading the time I had to spend with him rather than looking forward to it, because I knew it would end up in a power struggle, usually with both of us in tears. I sobbed to A*, unreasonably wailing that he was going to be the next person up in the clock tower and it was all our fault because we fucked him up so freaking badly. I read books, looked online, spoke to MY therapist about it, talked to anyone and everyone I could think of.


Then I found a parenting program. I work at a children’s hospital, and they have just implemented a new program here. It focuses on the parents, and what they can do to be a better one to their child. C. doesn’t even have to go to the appointments with me; it will (hopefully) teach me better tools and solutions to our problems, and help me to help HIM with anything that he’s been feeling with all the changes he’s had. I just want to make him the best person he can be and I want to do everything in my power to make sure I’ve done everything to make that happen. I can’t even tell you how excited I am to get started, and even just having the appointment scheduled I think has made me a little bit more patient, knowing that help is on the way.

God I love that kid so, so much.