Little Bits of Pixie Dust

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thourougly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!!"

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I have been putting off writing this post for a while, mostly because I have been too numb and hurt to try and put anything into words. I have spent the last couple days in the bathroom, sobbing so hard that in the morning my eyes look like I was the winner in a heavyweight fight match. But this blog has always been somewhat healing for me, so I thought I would give it a try.

*Deep breath*

My best friend and I broke up the other night. If you have read my archives, you will know that I have talked of her before. ("finding jules" is the title, I think, if you wanna go look). Anyway, in a nut shell a lot of shit went down, she made some very immature and poor choices, and basically cut me out of her life. I know that she has spiraled down into some kind of major depression (believe me, I know the signs) and is just making insane acusations towards me. I tried for months to reach her, to get in touch with her someway, because I wanted desperately to be there for her in an obviously difficult time. But to no avail. I called, left messages, sent a card to her parent's house, and there was no response from her. So I kind of had to get on with my life. I mean, I made every effort that I could think of, and I didn't know what to do. The last card that I sent her gave her the number of my new phone, and that was the last I heard from her. Oh, and by the way, her phone had been shut off at this time, so I didn't have ANY way of getting a hold of her.

Then the other night, out of the blue, the phone rings. I didn't know the number, so I had A* answer the phone (I have a phobia of unknown numbers). He talked for a minute, with a confused look on his face, and hung up the phone.
"That was Brian," he told me. Brian is the friend's (let's call her J to avoid any confusion) boyfriend. "He wanted to know where those paintings were."
Okay, stop for a minute. J is an artist, and a while ago she gave me a painting for our apartment. There was also a large, wall sized painting that she gave me. This painting I found in her parent's garage, and when I asked her about it she said that they were going to throw it away anyways, and they would be very happy for us to take it off their hands, so I did. We still had the smaller painting, but the larger one was part of the stuff that got taken when we moved the last time. A* explained all of this to Brian. Not two minutes later, the phone rang again. I knew it was J, and I needed to psych myself up, so I told him to tell her that I was in the shower and I would call her back.

But as I sat for a couple minutes, I steeled up all my nerves and called her back. I do not like confrontation, so I was a little scared. I called her back.

As soon as she picked up the phone and I said "Hey", I was immediately assaulted with all kinds of yelling and screaming. I couldn't even hear all that she was saying, because she was yelling too loudly. I managed to pick up- ..."you know how important those paintings were to me, how could you do this to me, I am so hurt..." and things of this nature. I calmly explained that I did in fact have one of the "all important paintings" that she had given away as gifts, and told her again what had happened with the other one. I told her that I too, had lost a lot of stuff that meant a lot to me. She continued to scream. She wanted her paintings NOW.

By this time I was getting mad. How dare she call me up after a whole year and demand something back. Obviously she could have gotten in touch with me before, because she had called me. I told her that A* and I were in our pajamas and about to go to bed, so no, she couldn't come and get her paintings right then. I told her that I would call her when I got off work the next day, and she said she wanted them NOW and did she have to call the police to get them back? I said, "Yeah, call the police and tell them I won't give you back a gift that you gave me, go ahead." She must have realized how dumb this was, because then she said for me to put the painting out on the porch. Now, if this was something "priceless" to her, why would she want it hanging out on the porch, where anyone could take it? She just kept screaming, and finally I had had enough. I told her to "shut up, just shut the fuck up or you're not getting anything!" Then I yelled at A* to "take the f----ing picture off the wall and put it on the porch. Or better yet, throw it in the yard." But that is immature, so he just put it outside.

I tried to talk about our friendship, about what had happened to us. She was unwilling to accept any kind of responsibility for anything. I asked her why she hadn't gotten in touch with me; I should have stopped by her house. I asked her why she didn't respond to the card I had sent her; I should have sent it to HER house, not her parent's, and the fact that I did just was horrible and showed how I didn't care about her. She kept saying, "I needed you, and you weren't there." I tried to be there, tried so hard. I wanted to support her, wanted to give her a shoulder to cry on, but how the heck are you supposed to do that when someone very directly told you she didn't want to talk about it, didn't need anyone's help. I kept asking her what I was supposed to have done, but she really didn't have an answer. She asked me if I understood why she was so upset, and I very honestly told her that I didn't, I didn't know anything that had gone on with her in the last year because she chose not to involve me, and I didn't even know her anymore. I don't. She is not the same person that I have been best friend's with for all of these years. I felt like I was talking to a stranger.

So basically, it all came down to it was all my fault, and I am just about the most awful person in the entire universe. I asked her where do we go from here, do we just throw ten years of friendship down the drain? And she said, "Well, you don't think you did anything wrong..." and I said, "I am willing to admit that some of the things could have been done differently. YOU are the one that can't admit anything." Then she said, "I guess that's it, then."

Then of course, I have to be a hurt baby and start saying things that don't even make any sense, because I was SO hurt that I didn't know what to do. I think I said something intelligent like, "You just be happy thinking you didn't do anything wrong, then..." and then she hung up the phone.

I threw the phone across the room, apologized to A* for throwing the phone across the room, put my hands over my eyes and sat there and just shook. I don't remember a time when I was ever that upset in my life. I wasn't even crying, just kind of making these deep heaving sounds from deep in my chest. My teeth were chattering, I was just so upset and hurt and so many emotions were running around inside of me. I didn't even know what to do with myself.

So I called my mom. And while she always makes me feel better, nothing can take away the pain of losing your best friend, your soul sister, your whole world for ten years of your life. My mom was almost as upset as me, because J has always been a big part of our entire family. Birthdays, holidays, vacations... she was always there. And now she won't be, and I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.


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