Little Bits of Pixie Dust

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thourougly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!!"

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Swamp of Penis

Last night A* and I were watching the Neverending Story, which is by far one of the classics from my childhood. Well, you know that one part where the kid is in that swamp, and his horse dies and it is horribly sad? I was telling A* that this was a serious part of the movie, be quiet and pay attention because we were "in the Swamp of Sadness". A* chortled to himself and then, just like the boy that he is, said "I wish we were in the Swamp of Penis and you were drowning in it," and then laughed for forty more minutes.

In boob news, A* has spent a large part of the weekend reassuring me that he didn't fall in love with me because of my ginormous boobs, nor is he going to fall out of love with me once I don't have them anymore. I believe him, I really do, but I know how guys feel about boobs, and I can't help picturing his friends being like, "dude, why is she getting that done? Are you crazy, she has the biggest boobs ever!" and A* will be embarressed and not wanting to go into back pain, and will resent me for even doing this in the first place. Not that I am chickening out... I'm not. Appointment still set for two days from now. And most of me is really really excited to get this process underway, but like I said before, my whole identity has been these things and it is hard getting a part of yourself cut off, no matter how cumbersome. I'll let you know what happens with the doctor as soon as I go.


I had an extremely traumatic experience yesterday. As you know, I have been on a two day high about my breasts, and how they are going to go away. I decided to carry this happiness into a new purse buying excursion, and very happily purchased a smashing new faux snake skin Liz Claiborne at TJ Maxx for only $15.99. So I was in a great mood, when A* and I stopped at Borders. As I was walking in, my (former) best friend was walking out. I have written previously about her (see "Finding Jules"), but long story short we haven't talked for almost a year due to her need to lock herself up in her apartment and smoke weed until she passes out. I don't mind weed, but I do mind rotting away in a rank space that never sees the light of day. Because I didn't want to hang out there, and she wouldn't leave, she pretty much stopped talking to me. In the meantime, A* and I got a new phone number and moved, so a couple of months ago I sent her a card to tell her our new number and address. Her phone had been turned off because she spent the bill money on drugs, so there was no way I could contact her. Anyways, I was walking in when I saw her boyfriend. I still didn't expect to see her, so I just said Hi to him and kept walking. My heart literally dropped to my knees when I saw her. In that split second, I thought about what to do. Do I pretend that we haven't not talked in a year? Do I pretend like we just lost touch? Did we just lose touch? I decided to play it cool, but still show that I was excited to see her.
"Hey!" I yelled out. "Oh my gosh, I haven't seen you in such a long time! What's up?"
She had a very sour look on her face, and just answered, "Nothing."
I bravely forged ahead. "So what have you been doing?" I asked, keeping an insane grin platered on my face. I don't do well in these types of situations.
"Well-" I faltered "-um... did you get my card? I sent you a card, because we got a new phone and I didn't know how to get a hold of you, so..."
"It's not like you don't know where I live, D." she said, her arms crossed.
I couldn't believe it. After all the effort that I had made, she was going to try and blame the non communication on me? I could feel tears beginning to form, and I begged them not to fall. I did NOT want her to see me cry.
"It's not like you don't know where I live, either, right?" I shot back. Meanwhile, streams of people are coming out of the store and walking in between us, which is not the greatest place to have this kind of discussion.
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I'm not doing this."
"Doing what? Do you want my new number?" I was still hoping that maybe we could talk about this, somewhere that was not a Borders vestibule.
She just kept shaking her head. I thought maybe she couldn't hear me.
"Do you want my new number?" I asked again, louder. I realize I was starting to sound desperate here, but I couldn't help it. I mean, this was my best friend, and after all this time she was finally standing in front of me! I couldn't let her go without a fight.
She said, "I'm not doing this," again and turned to walk out the door.
"So you don't want my new number?" I cried out one more pathetic time, and watched her back as she retreated out the door. She left.
I have to give myself credit here. I kept it together as I walked into Borders, even though A*'s comforting hand on my back almost made me burst into tears. I bit my lip as I searched for a copy of Glamour, to see the article on Heather ( I tipped my head back and let the tears wash back into my eyeballs as I searched for a calander. But finally, as we were standing in line, I very calmly asked A* for the car keys and phone. I walked with my dignity out of the store, got in the car, and burst into hysterical tears. I dialed my mom's number frantically, and when she answered I poured out the whole story, in between my gut wrenching sobs. I felt like my heart was breaking. It was like the worst break up you can imagine, but with your best friend.
I just couldn't believe she could look me in the face and just walk away. This was the girl that knew every deepest darkest secret I held, the girl who went on family vacations and got Christmas presents from my parents, the girl who spent the night every Saturday night in high school, who was with me all three times I took my driving test, who used to decorate my locker before swim meets, the girl that I knew all of her secrets, her history, her loves and hates and everything in between. We used to plan on buying two identical houses side by side, and we would have children at the same time and they would be best friends. It is so extremely sad to me. I could be mad that she dissed me, could be humiliated that she made me look like a loser begging for friendship in front of her boyfriend and mine, but mostly I just feel this incredible sadness. I feel like a part of myself is missing.


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