Little Bits of Pixie Dust

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thourougly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!!"

Monday, February 06, 2006

Joys of Womanhood

As some of you know, I have been taking the Depo-Lupron shot for treatment of my endometriosis. So far, things have been going well... my cramps have lessened by a lot, I don't have the heavy periods that I was having, generally everything has just been making me feel better than I had been. The only thing to note was the hot flashes that I have been getting. Depo "tricks" your body into thinking it is experiencing menopause, so the catch 22 is that you also get the side effects from menopause. Anyway, I was very pleased with how things are going, and I only have one injection left before I see my doctor to reevaluate my situation.

Until this month.

One of the side effects of the shot is "increased vaginal dryness and decreased sex drive." Now, A* and I have never been maniacs, but we do enjoy a pretty healthy sex life. But on Saturday night, we tried and failed, for one of the first times ever. I didn't even want to do it in the first place, but seeing as how I haven't wanted to do it in the last month and I felt really bad for A*, I wanted to give it a whirl. And for a while, things were okay. My head was actually thinking, "Yeah, I could go for this." And then, all of a sudden, everything stopped. Not A*, he was still plugging away, but everything for me stopped. Dried up, out of the mood, frustrated, stopped. It started to hurt, and A* could tell by my face that I wasn't having any fun.

I kind of knew it was coming. As I said, I haven't wanted to do anything for the past month, not even a twinge. But I thought once I got into it, things would turn around. They didn't.

Of course, I started crying. It is so frustrating when you WANT to do something so badly, but your body just won't let you. A* stroked my forehead and told me over and over that it didn't matter, but what he didn't understand is that it mattered to ME. I feel like I am not preforming my duties or something. And not to mention the fact that I REALLY WANTED SOME!!! I miss it! I felt like such a failure. Not to mention that we had misplaced the lube, so there was really no way out. Even if we could find it, I was already crying so the moment was ruined anyway.

I can't even tell you exactly what made me so upset. I think it was frustration, first and foremost. Since I started having sex, my body just does what it is supposed to and there is nothing to it. And even if I don't necessarily want to do it at first, once I start I'm lovin' it. So this- betrayal of sorts, from my own body, feels like the worst kind of broken loyalty. Why do you foresake me, oh body of mine?

I keep telling myself this is for a REASON, if I don't do this now then the chance of having a baby when I want to is a lot less, but try telling that to your raging hormonal boyfriend. It is him I feel the worst about, in this whole situation. Of course I worry that if he's not getting it at home, then he will get it somewhere else, even though the rational part of my brain knows that this isn't true in the slightest. In fact, he has been almost saintlike in his acceptance of all this. I told him in the beginning there was a chance of this happening, and showed him the list of side effects that may happen, and he was still supportive and all for me doing it. And I only have a month left, but then again that crazy part of me comes out and thinks, "what if I am broken forever". Ridiculous, I know.

See that sweaty one over there, the one who is bitching and refusing to give it up to her boyfriend? Yeah, that's me. Hi.


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