Embarassing Bits

~My first LOOOVE happened to be the son of one of my mom’s best friends. So in the summer between sixth and seventh grade, my mom’s friend went out of town and left her son with us. He stayed in the guest room, which immediately took on a fragrance of too much cheap cologne and sweaty boy and I breathed it in because I LOOOOVED him. So one day we were outside and I happened to be wearing white shorts (what, it was the 90’s and I had also paired a MATCHING black and white and red T-shirt with the white shorts) and the boy said, “What’s all over your butt?” Obviously it was my period that had started all over the back of my shorts that were WHITE. I ran inside and whipped the shorts off but shit, I didn’t have a clean towel in there. Knowing that the boy was still outside, I braved the hallway just wearing my T-shirt and streaks down my legs *ahem* and was juuuuust closing the closet door when !BAM! I heard a voice behind me and it was HIM and I didn’t have any pants on! And was bleeding! I pulled that ugly T-shirt down as far as it could go and I RAN to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. I never spoke of that incident again.


~When we would have swim meets in high school, sometimes the team would dress up. One day I wore my new black skirt, high Mary Jane heels, and a tight little sweater number. I was feeling pretty hot, if I did say so myself. So I was walking through the cafeteria and one of the most popular boys in school, the football player/had the hottest girlfriend/everyone knew him and wanted to be his friend guy, he was coming in through the doors from outside right when I happened to be walking by. He looked me up and down and I blushed prettily. “Damn girl, you are looking fine today!” he said, and I was thrilled (insecure high school girl, blah blah blah). I was trying to walk very SEXILY, if there is such a thing aaannnndddd… I tripped. Totally caught my foot on an invisible something on the carpet and stumbled, arms flailing out and trying my best not to fall flat on my face. A full on trip, right in front of the hot football guy AND the entire cafeteria.

~ This is for one of my best friends… we were in choir together and she had been awarded a solo. Please keep in mind this wasn’t anything NEW for my friend; she had been singing in church pretty much her entire life and had had other solos before, so she wasn’t really sweating it. She got up at the appointed time, stood there in the spotlight, and totally forgot the words. She was singing a song from “Jesus Christ Superstar” and the line was “…I turn my head, I back away, I don’t know what to say...” or something like that. She got stuck on “I turn my head” and JUST KEPT REPEATING IT OVER AND OVER like a broken record. “I turn my head… *breath*…. I turn my head…*breath*… I turn my head…” It went on for what seemed like hours but was probably only a couple minutes. I was mortified for her. To this day all I have to do is softly sing “I turn my head” and we are both helpless with laugther.

~When I first discovered blogs I was completely addicted. I also worked at a place similar to a prison camp, and we were NOT allowed to go on the internet for any reason. NOT EVEN ON YOUR BREAK! I was really fast at my job and always was finished with the work before something new came along, so I had a lot of downtime and I wasn’t allowed to do anything. I cannot sit at a desk and stare into space for hours at a time, so of course I would sneak and go online and read blogs. And I got written up a couple times and then you guys? I got FIRED. For reading blogs. I got called into the boss’s office and was told that I was terminated for being on the internet during company time. Then the SECURITY GUARD had to escort me out of the building and they immediately changed the door code, like I was some kind of INTERNET CRIMINAL. First and only time I was fired.