Little Bits of Pixie Dust

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thourougly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!!"

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Coming Clean- Part One

I realize that I have never provided an actual explanation here as to why my husband and I are currently separated.  Like everything, it was a build up of a lot of stuff, but I can pretty much pinpoint when things started to go downhill.
My husband hated his job and knew that a lay off was imminate, so we made the decision for him to accept it and go on unemployment; while he was receiving benefits, he could go back to school and get a degree, as well as stay home with C. while I was at work, saving us on baby-sitting. And God love him, A* took the bull by the horns and went back to school, though I have never met a person that hates school and all the work it entitles more than him.  But he sucked it up and went, and completed it.  And then he had this degree and absolutely nothing to do with it.  He hadn't realized that to really do anything in the field he had chosen he would at least need a bachelor's degree, and if he wanted to do especially well he would have to get something higher than that.  All that time, he felt, was completely wasted, all the work and the way he had sweated over that computer keyboard as he laboriously pumped out papers and forced himself to stay awake after we were all sleeping, propping himself up in our uncomfortable computer chair while the house was silent around him; all of that time and effort had been for nothing.
This is the point in time when my husband became a complete stranger.  I know this wasn't possible, but I swear it felt like one morning I woke up and there was another person laying next to me.  He did a total 360 degree personality change, stopped sleeping, was mean, stopped caring about how he looked (and this was someone that used to iron his JEANS)... everything that I loved about A* seemed to disappear.  I confronted him and told him that I thought he was depressed, which he pretty much blew off.  He told me everyone gets down sometimes, but he didn't need any kind of help, he was fine.  He told me that he was applying for temp agencies and had a good lead on a job.  And because A* has always been the rock, the one who has held me up all these years, I chose to overlook all these signs and believed him, because I wanted to believe him and I didn't want to see.  He told me that he got the job with the temp agency, and I believed that too.  He continued to not sleep; any time that I got up in the night I would find him in the living room, texting furiously.  He started erasing messages that came through on our shared phone.  And then one day I had to call his mom for something, and the tower of lies came crashing down.  His mom was supposedly watching C. while both of us for work, and I think I was going to be late some morning or something, so I called her to let her know.  She said in a quiet voice, "D, he hasn't been here in two months.  I haven't seen or spoken to A*."  I don't even know what really went through my head; so many things were rushing around in there... where had he been taking my son all day, was the most important one.  I immediately got a hold of A* and told him to bring my son to me, right now.  I just had to make sure he was safe, I had this unreasonable fear that he wasn't safe and I needed to see him.  When I got in the car, I was sobbing and A* came clean; he said that he hadn't had a job all this time, but he hadn't wanted to tell me.  I couldn't believe that he would lie to me about something that big, and I also couldn't believe that I could be so dumb.  All of these things started making sense, little tidbits that hadn't added up but that I had once again chosen to ignore.  I asked him where he had been getting money, and he said that he would rather not say.  I didn't know what the hell that meant, but was still focusing on this huge lie.
Before I could even catch my breath from this, and wonder why my husband had chosen to deceive me in this way, we found out that our landlord had decided to sell the house we were renting, and that we had to get out of there right away.  Obviously now that I knew only one of us had a job, I also knew that we didn't have the money to move right then.  I was so confused and beaten down, and I didn't know what to do about anything... our life, our marriage, our living situation, the way that I didn't know my husband anymore.  I was scared and exhausted.  With no where else to turn, we made the fateful decision to move in with my parents for a while while we got our finances in order.
And little did we know, our life would come crashing down even harder around us.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Trashin' it Up in Wal-Mart

Usually, C. is my go-to errand runner. He loves to be out and with people, and it really doesn’t matter where we go, he will find something to interest him and he never complains about doing those boring things that we all must do. Yesterday his head must have exploded or something, because he completely lost his shit in Wal-Mart and I was so embarrassed.

We were walking along an aisle and his elbow knocked into a shelf, causing a two packages of peanut butter crackers to fall on the floor. He looked and me and I shrugged and told him no big deal, it was an accident and he should just pick them up. With no fanfair, he shook his head no. “Come on, C.” I said, “just pick them up. If you drop something on the floor you have to put it back.” He stood his ground, a tiny soldier in the cracker aisle, refusing to look at me. I knelt down beside him and began to speak in the mom, talking-between-your-teeth-because-you’re-mad-but-you’re-in-public voice. I told C. that he BETTER pick up the crackers or I would put all the treats we had in the cart back. C. told me that he was “too tired” to pick them up. Switching tactics, I told him that I would pick up ONE package if he would pick up the other one, and then I showed him how easy it was to pick up the package and put it back on the shelf. C. continued to shake his head. I could feel my blood pressure rising, and started methodically taking things out of the cart, all the while telling C. that kids that don’t listen CERTAINLY don’t get strawberry applesauce or mandarin oranges (C.’s favorite treats). I threw items onto a random shelf and checked to see if it affected him at all, but C. is definitely stubborn and he wasn’t having any of it. I was totally losing my shit by now, you guys. Not a proud mom moment. I just couldn’t believe he was making such a big deal over something so small. I picked him up and told him that I was going to leave the cart and take him out to the car, but since he knows that nothing will happen in the car (ie: I won’t spank him) he didn’t care, and I seriously had a whole cart full of stuff, so this really only inconvienced me. In a grand showdown of wits, I lost and grabbed C. by the hand, DRAGGED him over to the crackers and physically placed his hand, none too gently, onto the package, forced his fingers to open, and threw the (probably hopelessly broken) crackers onto the shelf. Then I heaved C. into the cart and proceeded to tell him how MAD I was at him and how I couldn’t BELIEVE his behavior and just went on and on for way longer than a four year old would even be listening. I honestly was making myself kind of mad with how I just kept going on and on, but it was like I couldn’t control the flow of words coming out of my mouth. C. was exhausted and tear- stained by this point, and he didn’t say anything else as we quickly finished shopping and made it to the car.

I know every mom goes through this, but I hate the feeling of not being able to control something and no matter what I say it doesn’t matter. I hate not having an immediate solution to just make him LISTEN. And I hate feeling like I didn’t handle things in the best way, matching wits to a four year old when I’m supposed to be the adult. Bad parenting moment of the weekend, for sure.

To top it off, I was wearing bleach stained sweat pants, C. had a runny nose that was causing those snail tracks on his cheeks, and we were in Wal-Mart yelling and having tantrums, so I felt like the biggest white trash family in the world. I should have just set up camp in the bedding section and had C. go and watch some DVDs in Electronics while I slurped down some off brand soda and didn’t brush my teeth. Sigh.

Sunday, February 10, 2013


Almost ten years ago, I returned home after a trip to the beach with my family.  I was so excited to see my new boyfriend because I had been away, and I dressed with special care knowing that I was going to his house.  I wore a shirt that tied in the middle, showing off my not unimpressive (and this was before surgery, you guys, so they were EVEN MORE impressive than they are now) cleavage and I also wore a cute little jean skirt that you wouldn't catch my post baby thighs in now.  I pulled up to his house and was struck with a wave of nerves; what if things were weird between us, or what if his feelings had changed?  I clutched a bag to my chest, a bag that contained a present I had spent an embarrasingly long time picking out and it was only a SHIRT, you guys, so it wasn't like it was that important but I wanted to give the right impression, like I missed him but not THAT much and it wasn't TOO serious but it was kind of... totally unnecessary to think that much about a "casual" gift, anyway, I walked down his driveway with my palms literally sweating and my heart beating so fast I felt a little faint.

And there he was, bent over with half of his body in the hood of a car.  He heard me approach and stood back, and a smile that lit up his whole face spread slowly, tiny shadow of a dimple in his left cheek.  He wore baggy jeans with the hint of white boxer shorts peeking over the waistband, a worn undershirt, scuffed work boots.  His hands were black with grease and his wallet had worn a perfect square in his back pocket.  A lit cigarette hung from his lips; I could make out faint freckles, brought out in the summer, scattered across his nose.  I watched him with that smile, and that's when I knew.  I knew I was in love with this man, I knew that we would spend our lives together, I knew that whatever happened if he was there that was enough.  I knew that no matter what I wanted to be with this man, this sexy, smart, funny, kind, wonderful man and there were absolutely no doubts in my mind.  He slowly opened his arms to me and I could see the same feelings reflected in his eyes, and I swear when he folded me into his arms he smelled so familiar and like home to me.

Ten years later, we are not living together due to circumstances that we cannot change, but when I think back to that day, the day my whole life changed, I wouldn't change anything because of the memories and the little boy that exist because of it.  We may not be living together or in each other's physical company, but I still have no doubt that he will be there for the rest of my life.  Hopefully we will be able to be back together again soon and the rest of the world will fall into place.  I will never lose the feelings I had that summer day when I knew.

Monday, February 04, 2013


You know how annoying it is when people make you listen to that mix tape that just totally relates to their experience and life RIGHT NOW and isn’t that so amazing and really you want to poke that person’s eyes out because it is really boring to hear this? Yeah, you might want to just stop reading right now, then, cause this is my fucking blog and no one in real life wants to hear it so here you go.

“You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” by Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond

Okay, a little old fashioned and gay but seems to fit A* and I PERFECTLY!! I will bold the REALLY relavant parts, here’s the words…

“You don’t bring me flowers

You don't sing me love songs

You hardly talk to me anymore

When you come through the door

At the end of the day Because he totally USED to be so romantic and I loved it so much. I never had any doubts that he loved me more than anything, I never even knew that feeling.

I remember when

You couldn't wait to love me

Used to hate to leave me Because he used to do whatever I wanted as long as it meant that he could be beside me, and he never complained and he was always up for whatever, and I was the same because the most important thing was that we were together.

Now after lovin' me late at night

When it's good for you

And you're feeling alright

Well, you just roll over

And you turn out the light

You don't bring me flowers anymore

It used to be so natural

To talk about forever We never had any doubt what so ever that we were together forever, no matter what happened we were in it for the rest of our lives and we would work out any kind of problem together.

But 'used to be's' don't count anymore

They just lay on the floor

'Til we sweep them away But we certainly don’t have that kind of faith in our relationship now.

And baby, I remember

All the things you taught me

I learned how to laugh Damn we used to do so much laughing.

And I learned how to cry

Well I learned how to love

Even learned how to lie Everyone against us, us against the world, not letting anyone know anything about what was really going on.

You'd think I could learn

How to tell you goodbye You would think that after all the shit that has happened, I could just be done and not have any question that it was the right decision, not missing you so much it hurts all the time.

'Cause you don't bring me flowers


Well, you'd think I could learn

How to tell you goodbye

'Cause you don't bring me flowers


Are you emotional yet? I sure am. I will only do a couple more to spare anyone that is still reading but I might have to make this a regular feature. Heartbreak Breakdown? That sounds really stupid, I’ll have to work on that. Anyway, next song.

“Please Don’t Leave Me” by Pink

I really could probably just put this entire song in bold, but I’ll try to restrain myself.

"Please Don't Leave Me”

I don't know if I can yell any louder,

How many times have I kicked you out of here? When we fought all the time I would always threaten him by telling him to get out, get out, this is all my stuff. And of course I’m totally a yeller, so it was probably after yelling.

Or said something insulting?

I can be so mean when I wanna be,

I am capable of really anything,

I can cut you into pieces,

When my heart is, broken. Basically you hurt me so I’m gonna hurt you back. Also I know him so well I know exactly what to say to hurt him the worst, and vice versa for him.

Please don't leave me [x2]

I always say how I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me Literally I say the words I don’t need you but when it comes right down to it I’m begging you to stay.

How did I become so obnoxious,

What is it with you that makes me act like this,

I've never been this nasty, I have thought to myself, I hate the person that I am when I’m with him. I can’t believe what a negative, bitter person I can become.

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?

The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest,

But baby I don't mean it,

I mean it, I promise

Please don't leave me [x2]

(Don't leave me)

I always say how I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud,

How beautiful you really are to me,

I can't be without,

You're my perfect little punching bag,

And I need you,

I'm sorry. I’m always so busy telling you what you’ve done wrong and all the ways you’ve hurt me that I forget how wonderful you actually are and how thankful I am to have you in my life and I’m sorry about everything mean I said.

Please don't leave me

(I) I always say how I don't need you,

But it's always gonna come right back to this,

(Please, Please) Please don't leave me,

Baby, please, please don't leave me.

Well thank you so much for listening to anyone that lasted. Like I said, even I know this is boring to people but like I said, my motherfucking blog. Trying not to be so sad all the time and maybe something different, but oh hell, it’s still sad as anything. Fuck.