My grandmother is in the hospital and they are saying that she might not make it out again. She has kidney failure and congestive heart failure. Yesterday they moved her up to the hospice floor of the hospital, and they are only giving her "comfort care" now, meaning that they are only giving her pain medication to make her comfortable. They aren't doing dialysis anymore, and she is off all of the antibiotics. On Sunday she ate Burger King for the first time in six years (a Whopper with onions) and while she munched happily I couldn't help thinking that the only reason she was allowed to partake in the BK goodness is that there is no more hope.

She is very confused and doesn't really know what is going on. Sunday was her 78th birthday, and the whole family went to see her. While we were there, she yelled at my dad for spraying bugs and she told the doctor that she was bleeding orange drink. My mom offered to brush her hair, and she curled up like a little kitten and just smiled with pleasure as my mom combed her fingers through her hair. This is what she used to do when I was sick, so I know how good it felt to her. My uncle called in the middle of this and grandma took the phone and said, "I can't talk now, I'm at the beauty parlor getting my hair done." Then she scrunched back down in the bed and motioned for my mom to continue.

It is really hard to watch your dad lose his mother. I can't even imagine how that must feel. I don't know what to say or how to say it, and I just don't know what to do. I hate seeing him like that, my dad is always joking around and laughing, and now he just has a half smile on his face all the time, while tears gather in his eyes. I feel so helpless when I look at him; I just don't know what to do to make the pain go away for him.

One of the hardest moments, though, was when my grandpa, who is a robust Italian man, said softly, "You just don't know how lonely it can get in that house until you're there all alone." I saw tears beginning to collect in the corners of his strong blue eyes, and I had to look away.

Basically everyone is just waiting. My other uncle is on his way here from Florida right now, and the family has been sleeping at the hospital in shifts, so that she doesn't have to die alone. This is very important to all of us now, including me... we don't want her to be alone. She gets more and more confused as the days go by, and sometimes she doesn't recognize us, but I know that she knows we're there. She's hanging on, but it won't be much longer.

The last memory I have of the grandma that I love is of Christmas this past year, as she sat in the living room and watched her family crowd in around her. She loved to have the house full, and enjoyed nothing more than cooking for an army. She drew great pleasure from all of her grandchildren, especially the little ones. Her and my grandfather eloped when they were only nineteen years old, and haven't left each others sides since.

Before we left the hospital the other day, she called out plaintively, "I just wonder when I'm ever going to be able to go home!" My grandpa patted her hand and whispered, "Soon enough, mama, soon enough."

Lying

Just for the record, I am one of the world's worst liars. My face turns bright red, my eyebrows go up into my hairline, and I can't look people in the eye when I attempt to lie. This really foiled my efforts as a teenager, because my mom ALWAYS knew if I was lying. The other thing that is a dead give away is the fact that I can't just say something simple, I have to make up an elaborate story to go along with the lie. In the end, this just makes whatever I am saying more UNbelievable, because I end up saying ridiculous stuff for way longer than the lie entails.

Today I decided that I wanted to rearrange my desk at work. I have two monitors and then a bunch of desk crap. Well, the real reason I wanted to move things around is because both monitors faced the aisle and I was getting in trouble for being on the internet. (hello, reading blogs) So I wanted to move one monitor so it was facing the other direction. I did all this work, spent half the afternoon under my desk trying to rearrange cords and moving things just so. All I really had to say about this move, if anything, was that I didn't feel like I had enough room so I changed things around. Simple, right?

Instead, I concocted this whole story about the placement of monitors and writing room on my desk and where the phone is, etc etc. WAY more than what needed to be said. Now I have everything all rearranged and I DON'T LIKE IT!! But taking into account all the fuss that I made, I feel like I can't put things back. Now I just feel stupid.

And my desk looks stupid and I have to turn my neck to an uncomfortable angle to look at the other monitor. AAAHHH!!

Being an Adult Sucks

This weekend A* and I were going to spend a nice, romantic weekend after Valentine's Day together. We were going to go out to dinner at our favorite (pricey) restaraunt and possibly even go and stay at a hotel. Instead? We did our laundry, and that was about the highlight of the entire weekend. We collectively decided that we were going to be responsible adults for once, and instead of putting money directly into our mouths by going out to eat, we paid all of our bills. In theory, this sounds great and like we are just on the road to financial independance. In reality, it just made me realize that we will never have enough money to do all that we want to do, there is no end in sight, AND to top it off I didn't get a fancy meal. So that sucked, and I found myself wishing for the days when bills were non existent to me and if I wanted a good meal I just went and opened the refridgerator because hey! this woman I called mom always made sure that it was stocked. *sigh*. Those were the days.

The one thing that was a success, though, and for it I am extremely grateful, was that A* and I had some good lovin'!! For once the stars aligned or my shot hid from us or whatever reason, and everything went back to our old rhythms and it was just great. I was so happy, because I was fearing that I was broken and that A* would have to leave me and go find someone to satisfy him. Now I only have one month left of injections and we go from there.

During my break, I attempted to call the insurance company once again and find out if they are going to help me out. In the meantime, my boobs are just growing and growing and I feel like they are ready to take over the world. Though the insurance company had on soothing classical music, I was anything but soothed. Give me my surgery, already!! I have been waiting for a l-ooooo-ng six weeks and my patience, not huge in the first place, is wearing thin. I need a new bra, and I don't want to buy it because I'm hoping the next time I go to buy one I will be able to buy a cute one that wouldn't be able to fit a small village somewhere. I will keep you posted.

Tomorrow, remind me and I'll tell you about my new stalker. But right now, I better get back to work if I want to keep my job. Hmm... no wait, I do, I need the insurance!! Anyway, stalker. More later.

Not Exciting

Yesterday A* and I celebrated the holiday of love by fighting about money. We don't usually fight about anything else, but money always gets us. We just never have enough! So I ended up crying at my desk at work and he ended up punching a wall at work, and we just loved each other all up. He redeemed himself, though, when he gave me a beautiful card and some chocolates. (I mean, what CAN'T be solved by chocolate, really). We are fine now.

In other news, I called the insurance company on Monday and they still don't know if my boob surgery has been approved. I kind of put a lot of stuff on hold for this, and am getting just a touch impatient. I don't want to start school, or get a new job, or anything because I am waiting to hear and I can't swich insurances in the middle of the process. I know that your fingers are getting a little cramped, but if you could keep them crossed just a tiny bit longer....

The sex problem? Not so much solved. We tried on Saturday, and were successful... to a point. I didn't really enjoy it as much as I could have and I was kind of sore after. Does anyone out there know anything about Depo-Lupron and sexual side effects? I would really appreciate any kind of advice.

Cars are becoming a problem for me. Last week while getting out of my friend's car I slammed the door on the bottom part of my leg and gouged out a chunk of skin. The bruise is still there. Yesterday while trying to adjust the visor I slammed my elbow onto the door, and it started bleeding and now whenever I set my arm on the desk a pain shoots up my arm.

Now that we have gotten Valentine's Day, fights, boobs, sex and cars out of the way, there really isn't anything else to write about, is there? I guess we'll try another day for something more interesting.

Joys of Womanhood

As some of you know, I have been taking the Depo-Lupron shot for treatment of my endometriosis. So far, things have been going well... my cramps have lessened by a lot, I don't have the heavy periods that I was having, generally everything has just been making me feel better than I had been. The only thing to note was the hot flashes that I have been getting. Depo "tricks" your body into thinking it is experiencing menopause, so the catch 22 is that you also get the side effects from menopause. Anyway, I was very pleased with how things are going, and I only have one injection left before I see my doctor to reevaluate my situation.

Until this month.

One of the side effects of the shot is "increased vaginal dryness and decreased sex drive." Now, A* and I have never been maniacs, but we do enjoy a pretty healthy sex life. But on Saturday night, we tried and failed, for one of the first times ever. I didn't even want to do it in the first place, but seeing as how I haven't wanted to do it in the last month and I felt really bad for A*, I wanted to give it a whirl. And for a while, things were okay. My head was actually thinking, "Yeah, I could go for this." And then, all of a sudden, everything stopped. Not A*, he was still plugging away, but everything for me stopped. Dried up, out of the mood, frustrated, stopped. It started to hurt, and A* could tell by my face that I wasn't having any fun.

I kind of knew it was coming. As I said, I haven't wanted to do anything for the past month, not even a twinge. But I thought once I got into it, things would turn around. They didn't.

Of course, I started crying. It is so frustrating when you WANT to do something so badly, but your body just won't let you. A* stroked my forehead and told me over and over that it didn't matter, but what he didn't understand is that it mattered to ME. I feel like I am not preforming my duties or something. And not to mention the fact that I REALLY WANTED SOME!!! I miss it! I felt like such a failure. Not to mention that we had misplaced the lube, so there was really no way out. Even if we could find it, I was already crying so the moment was ruined anyway.

I can't even tell you exactly what made me so upset. I think it was frustration, first and foremost. Since I started having sex, my body just does what it is supposed to and there is nothing to it. And even if I don't necessarily want to do it at first, once I start I'm lovin' it. So this- betrayal of sorts, from my own body, feels like the worst kind of broken loyalty. Why do you foresake me, oh body of mine?

I keep telling myself this is for a REASON, if I don't do this now then the chance of having a baby when I want to is a lot less, but try telling that to your raging hormonal boyfriend. It is him I feel the worst about, in this whole situation. Of course I worry that if he's not getting it at home, then he will get it somewhere else, even though the rational part of my brain knows that this isn't true in the slightest. In fact, he has been almost saintlike in his acceptance of all this. I told him in the beginning there was a chance of this happening, and showed him the list of side effects that may happen, and he was still supportive and all for me doing it. And I only have a month left, but then again that crazy part of me comes out and thinks, "what if I am broken forever". Ridiculous, I know.

See that sweaty one over there, the one who is bitching and refusing to give it up to her boyfriend? Yeah, that's me. Hi.

Stuff

I am still slowly recovering from my friend break up. I try not to think about it too much, because then I will just end up getting upset again and I don't want to do that. I haven't heard from her, nor tried to get in touch. That's it.

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We just got out of a meeting at work where they told us that there is going to be a lot of moving around and I don't want to move!! I sit by the greatest lady ever to be born, and she makes me laugh everyday and is just so sweet and nice and I love her, and I don't know what reason I will have to come to work if it is not to see and talk to her. I am very bummed about this.

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A*'s work is right by the sewage treatment plant, and in the morning when I drop him off there is always the fresh scent of shit in the air. He says you get used to it, but I don't know about that. Anyways, they got a new guy the other day and he asked someone what the smell was. Another man that A* works with overheard and said, "Oh, that? That's just A*, he always smells like shit." A* grinned, nodded at the new guy, and said, "Yeah, that's true. And you know why? Because I AM the shit."
I must have laughed for forty five minutes when he told me that. Which is one of the reasons that I love him so much, because he can make me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts.

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Still have not heard back from the doctor regarding the boob surgery. Still waiting, and not very patiently.

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Do you ever have those days when the thought of doing anything, even the simplest little things in the world, makes you just want to collapse and you feel like you JUST CAN'T DO IT no matter what? I have had two days like that in a row, including today. I have to go to the doctor's office after work for my Lupron shot, and just thinking about it is making me want to throw up. I feel like I can't muster up the energy for the extra drive there.