Highlights of the Holidays, the Good, Bad and Ugly

** Waking up to see A*'s grinning face above mine and realizing that this is the third Christmas I get to spend with the love of my life, this wonderful man who has made my life so great, and thinking that I have the whole rest of our lives to celebrate countless Christmas'.

** Watching the cats tear into their catnip toy presents like they were four year old kids who couldn't wait and then throwing them all over the room in joyful exhuberation.

** Seeing my grandma, who probably won't make it through another Christmas, laugh with my five year old cousin as he wound her oxygen tube around and around himself.

** When my other six year old cousin asked my mom very loudly at the table if Santa goes potty.

** Watching my cousin open up a present from my grandma, and then when my grandma said "Do you know what that is?" and my cousin registers that it is the cross that we have never seen grandma without, and then her face crumples and she has to excuse herself to the bathroom because she doesn't want her kids to see her cry. Then when she back out, her son asked, "Didn't you like your present, Mom?"

** Upon entering A*'s sister's house, his nephew runs up to him in his Fantastic Four pajama's and yells, "Here's your present Uncle A*~ it's basketball tickets!" before we had even taken off our coats.

** Hearing about how A*'s nephew was outside before the sun came up so that he could ride his new bike.

** Watching A*'s sister and her ex-husband being civil to each other and even sitting down at the table together, all for the sake of their son.

** Seeing my twelve year old brother blush and grin the hugest smile ever when he opened his "Sport's Illustrated Swim Suit" calander.

** A*'s face as he opened a present that was meant for me, but was addressed to him. He started to pull the pink sweater out of the box, and I saw him trying to rearrange his facial features into something that suggested that he really really loved the pink sweater, and then seeing the relief when my mom laughed and told him that it really belonged to me.

** A*'s total excitement when he ripped the paper off our new Home Theater System, something that he has been wanting for years, and then the sweet way he apologized to me because he "knew that I didn't really care all that much about it, but it was our big present."

** Seeing A* and my dad drink Scotch together and make plans to play video games.

** Having my whole family under one roof, including my cousin who recently completed boot camp.

** My other cousin, who is 18, and who I didn't even think remembered my name half the time, got my name in the gift exchange and got me the most perfect present anyone could ever have chosen, and then seeing the genuine pleasure on his face when he saw how much I loved it.

** A*, after downing more than one glass of Scotch, getting all touchy feely and hugging and kissing me in my mother's kitchen.

** Driving home from my parent's, after a day with my family and thinking how lucky we are and how happy I am, bursting into tears and telling A* "I'm just so overwhelmed, I don't know what to do!"

** 11:30 pm Christmas night, watching A* climb around behind the TV in his boxer shorts and slippers, hooking up the new Home Theater System.

** Being jolted from sleep when the system was finally hooked up because A* had to try it out and he put on an action movie so that he could "see how this baby runs", and speakers were right by my ear and I nearly fell right off the couch with the loudness.

** Falling asleep in A*'s arms, content and full of holiday good cheer.

The Obligatory Holiday Post

I sit here at my parent's house typing. There is a glass of red wine next to me, in a really cute wine glass that A* and I got for my parent's. A fire is roaring in the fireplace, my family is here, and I am happy. I have "the feeling", you know that one, where, just for a split second, things are right in the world. I feel very lucky and loved right now, and to me that is what Christmas is all about.

A* and I were up like little kids at about 6:30 this morning, and we ripped into our presents. We both did really well this year as far as the gift giving goes. We also got the babies some presents, too... new catnip toys and some wet food to eat. They found them right away under the tree... A* had wrapped them and put them in the corner, and as soon as we got up they made a beeline for them and carried the wrapped packages around in their mouths until we helped them open them. Buster also found the wonders of boxes, and spent the rest of the morning jumping in and out of empty ones.

Then we went to A*'s sister's house and had a mimosa (or three) and watched his nephew bounce around the room on an excitement high. He was still wearing his Fantastic Four PJ's. Man, I love that little guy.

Now we are at my parent's and I can smell the ham cooking. My family is talking loudly in the kitchen, the TV is blasting with a football game, and there is a radio playing somewhere too. It is loud and crazy and fun and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I hope that everyone is having as good of a Christmas as I am. Much joy and wonder to you and yours this season and for the rest of the year. Now go and pour yourself a nice glass of wine and enjoy the day.

Wrapping Garland around Your Head Makes it Itch

So my entire office is in a frenzy of cubicle decorating. I actually STAYED OVER last night to do my part in the joymaking process. Tomorrow, we will all be judged on who's area looks the best. Some people are getting violently competitive... one co-worker told me that we have to "kick some major ass." I am into the decorating, sure, who couldn't use a little more Christmas cheer, but geez, people, it is a cubicle. Get a grip!

In other news, I have been strangely bitchy and irritable lately. For the past three days, in fact. Poor A* has had to put up with it. Yesterday as soon as he planted his little butt in the seat I started yelling at him because he hadn't gotten out of work fast enough. In my defense, he KNOWS that I am coming at five, so why would you wait until 5:03 to start doing the things you need in order to leave? But, it really isn't his fault entirely. I don't know why I have been such a downer lately, but I'm hoping that is goes away soon.

I think that I am becoming unsatisfied with my life. I know that the whole friend going back to college thing has a lot to do with it. It just made me start thinking about how much I want to be able to go to school and have a career that actually means something to me. I don't even know what this career would be, but I know that it's out there and waiting for me. I have some ideas, but nothing definite. I don't really know what to do about this problem, though. I have to think some more on it, I guess. But really? When I think about it, all I think about is how jealous I am of all the other people that got to go, and then I get mad at them because I just KNOW they didn't appreciate it as much as I would, and it turns into a whole problem.

I still have not finished my Christmas shopping. I am tempted to call the whole thing off. Except I would still want to have my presents, because presents are the best things in the world... unless it is something gross that you don't like, but that is another story. Anyways, the whole family is done but I still have to get A* his stuff. The only time that I will be able to do this is on Christmas Eve Day, when only men will be out, panicking because they didn't get their wife or girlfriend as good of present as their friend did. <----- I think that is an inappropriate use of the English language, but I didn't know how else to word it. And THEN I have to wrap all of these presents. I'm giving everything away in trash bags this year, I think.

I am the Christmas princess~ see my garland crown??

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting stressed

Okay, so I love Christmas as much as the next person. Maybe even more. I mean, I believed in Santa until I was like twelve, and cried the entire Christmas that I finally admitted it to myself. But I cannot stand all the running around, who is going to be where, why aren't you staying at our house for desert, crazy relatives wanting you to be in thirty six places all at once.

My mom just called and said that A* and I need to tell her if we are going to my stepdad's parent's house for Christmas Eve. First of all, they are weird about "outsiders". This is the first year that A* has been invited, even though we have lived together for three. Unless you are married to a member of the family, are a child of a member of the family, or an actual member of the family, you are excluded. The last two Christmas' I told them that I would not be attending Christmas Eve, because I thought it was shitty that they didn't invite A*. Now, this year they are extending an invitation, but I can't help thinking~ is it just because I made a big fuss? Is he really welcome? He hasn't even met most of these people. However, my grandma is really really sick, and this could very possibly be her last Christmas. So I would feel like a real asshole if I didn't go. A* will not want to go, I already know. I think he still feels the sting of being a non-family member. I guess I will just go for a little while to make an appearence, but I don't know if A* will be with me.

Then on the actual Christmas day, we have to go to my mom's house and A*'s sister's house. We have to coordinate with A*'s nephew's schedule, because he has to go to his dad's. We have to coordinate with my aunt's schedule, because she has to go to my uncle's parent's. I hate all the coordination and fussing about schedules. Is it just me or was Christmas supposed to be a joyous time? If we don't force down two huge dinners, then we will be accused of liking one household's food over the others. If we decline desert, the pie makers will become huffy. If we have to leave right after present opening, we are rude. This is a no win situation. And the thing is? A* and I will be spending the majority of this holiday in the car, frantically trying to compete with all the others that are speeding to their fourth meal of the day.

The day after Christmas, you would think could be a relaxing day that you DON'T have to spend in the car, but you would be wrong. Because that is the day that we have to go to my father's house, to celebrate with the woman he married, otherwise known as that bitch that I hate. We will pretend to be able to stand each other for a couple of hours and force ourselves to eat yet again, even though we are still stuffed from the day before. My dad and his wife keep the thermostat at like 55, so we will also be freezing. We will open presents that no one really wants, because I think that bitch I hate buys ugly stuff for us on purpose, just so that we have to brave the store and take it back. My dad has already given me money to purchase both her AND him presents, because he doesn't think that I am responsible enough to remember. Well, I would remember him, but I may convieniently forget about her. Then the next day, we go back to work.

I don't remember Christmas being this much work when I was a child.

Jealous

My best friend told me yesterday that she is quitting her job and going back to school to become a nurse. Of course, I'm very happy for her and am thrilled that she is able to do this... but I am SO jealous of her.

I went to college right after high school... in the neighborhood that I grew up in, that is just what everyone did. I graduated when I was seventeen because I had started school early. So there I was, fresh out of high school and just seventeen years old, and expected to make these mature and adult decisions. I moved into my first apartment with four other girls and threw myself into the whole college lifestyle- in other words, I did absolutely no work, partied all night and slept through class the next day, drank myself into a stupor... all those usual things. I was too young, I know now, to be set free like that. I had lived a pretty sheltered life, and to all of a sudden be thrown into this freedom was just too much for me to take. After two semesters, I was put on academic probation. I had always done well in school, and I think I just convinced myself that I could pull myself back up again. However, I couldn't be bothered to stop the late night beer pong or the sleeping till noon thing. One more semester, and I was out. Kicked out of school. It was probably the "worst" thing that I had ever done. I was a model kid, never did anything wrong and always made my parents proud... now I had to tell them that their precious baby had gotten kicked out of college! I was mortified and depressed.

Surprisingly, my parent's didn't immediately push me out of the family all together. They told me to take this as a time to get my life together, figure out what I wanted to do and how to do it. The first thing I did was get a full time job, as a copy girl at a law firm. I worked everyday, and now I had to excuse myself at 10 to go to bed since I had to be up and at work the next morning. I had to pay my own bills, because when I was kicked out of school my parent's told me that the free ride was over... I had blown that chance. I had to learn to take care of myself. And I honestly think that this period of time did a lot of good for me. I learned that you have to rely on yourself, and you have to be responsible in order to survive. Looking back now, I should have taken this year BEFORE I went to college and learned these things before a lot of money was wasted, but I didn't. The most important thing I learned was that I desperately wanted to go back to school. I most certainly did NOT want to be a copy girl for the rest of my life.

I went back. I saved up some hard earned money and I went back to school. And this time around, I don't know if it was the fact that I was paying for it myself or just that I had learned my lesson the first time, I did really well. My GPA never went below a 3.5. I did things such as study, and time manage. I was good; I was on the right track and I was going to finish school!

Then something horrible happened to me, and I fell apart. I couldn't get up in the morning, couldn't face getting out of bed. I had terrible insomnia and couldn't go to sleep sometimes until the sun was coming up. I couldn't face all the people in class, couldn't do homework, couldn't do much of anything but lay in bed. I had to drop out of school. I swore to myself that I would be back someday, though.

Things got better. I went to counseling and started working on some things. I met A*. Then A* and I decided to move in together. All of a sudden, I really had to be a grown-up. We both had to work full time just to keep our heads above water. School wasn't even an issue... there was no money, that was it. I put the dream back on the shelf for a little while longer. A* and I got new jobs, got a new apartment, and still it sat there.

Now we are doing okay. We have a beautiful apartment and are (usually) able to pay all of our bills. I'm proud of how far we have come. But I feel like it is time for me now. I want to go back to school. I don't want to be stuck in a cubicle for the rest of my life, in a job where I make not that much money and don't get that much satisfaction from. I know that I have gifts that I could be using, if only I had that elusive degree. And I want it more than anyone.

So when my friend told me that she was going back to school, a little part of my heart broke, because it just brings into focus how I am NOT going back, or even close. Yeah, I know there are options, and loans, and stuff like that. I know it. But I also know that there are never enough loans, and that I would still have to work full time and I don't think I would do well with that. I guess that dream has to go back up on its shelf for just a little bit longer. I hope that it doesn't get all dusty up there while I'm getting my life in order. I want to go back so badly I can just taste it. I know that A* would do anything that he could to help me, and I'm not done with this. I am going to keep thinking, and planning, and even if I am ninety by the time I make it back to the classroom, by God I will be sitting there with my walker propped up beside me.

What's that saying? About working hard for things and not appreciating them until they are gone? Yeah, I am on familiar terms with those kinds of sayings. But I can only learn from my mistakes and move on from them.

Even if I do kind of have this gleam of the green eyed monster in my eyes right now.

My Very Own Christmas Miracle

Am feeling all warm and fuzzy inside today, thanks to the best surprise ever that I got last night. I don't know if you have read or not, but on one of my previous posts I told you all about how all of my Christmas decorations had been thrown away in the process of our move. I was very upset about it... I tend to be very sentimental about things, and in the decorations were some very cherished ornaments and stuff that had been passed on to me. So I was totally sad. Well, my mom said that she thought my grandma had a Christmas tree that A* and I could have, so that was at least one thing. I was just not looking forward to having to go out and buy an ass load of other stuff, like ornaments and lights and tree topper and household decorations, especially right around the holidays when money is a little tight. My mom said that she would stop over sometime last night to drop off the tree, and I told her that she could stop by anytime, that we would just be hanging out.

Around 6:30 there is a knock at the door. I opened it and there stood my entire family, plus a couple old family friends for good measure. I'm talking mom, dad, brother, 3 aunts, grandma, and the friends. They had brought the tree, ornaments, lights, candles, wreaths, decorations... everything you can think of. And food! They had each made one of my favorite dishes and brought it over, because as my mom said as she was sailing in the door... "We're having a tree trimming party!"

We had eleven people crammed into our tiny little apartment, and I loved every minute of it. We snacked and drank (my mom made me my own pitcher of Bloody Mary's and my dad had brought A* a 12 pack) and then everyone helped us assemble the tree, put the lights on it, and all the ornaments.

I have never felt so warm and loved in my entire life. Everyone that I love most in this world was there, and they were all so generous and giving. I mean, not to be sappy but this is what people are talking about when they say "The meaning of Christmas". I don't know how I will ever be able to let them know just how much this meant to me. I get a little teary eyed just thinking about it! Right now I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world because I have the gift of my family.

In Which I Reveal My Nerdiness To You

Well, I think that I have finally recovered enough to blog about my weekend. *Sigh*, the thing that stands out the most from it is that I am no longer the woman that I once was in college, and that I just can't drink like I'm eighteen anymore. This really puts a damper on things for me, because I used to be the champ. I could put everyone to bed and STILL wake up the next morning without a hangover. I really miss those days...

So A* and I went to a wedding this Saturday. It was for one of my co-workers. I went and got a brand new outfit, and A* even got himself a spiffy new tie. We looked, I don't mind saying, completely awesome, and even coordinated with each other. I was pleased. We made it to the service on time, with even time to spare, which is a very rare occurence with us. The church was beautiful, with a huge Christmas tree all lit up in the front and twinkly lights. Perfect for a winter wedding. Well, I was sat next to the date of another co-worker. As soon as I sat down, she introduced me to him, and he immediately started touching me. You know, he was one of those people that have to put a casual arm over your shoulders, or place his hand on my leg while I talked. I wasn't a big fan of this big mustached man touching me, not to mention that we were whispering and he kept breathing not so nice breath right in my face. I scooted closer to A* and eventually he left me alone.

Wedding ceremony proceeded with no catastrophes. The bride looked wonderful, and her smile lit up the entire church. I squeezed A*'s hand throughout, looking forward to the day when we are standing up there.

At the reception, things start to get a little fuzzy. Dinner didn't start till six, and we got there about 4:30, so in the time between dinner and then, I took full advantage of the bar. I decided to stick with one drink, so I narrowed it down to some White Zin. I love me some White Zin. By the time the buffet was opened, the bar tender had begun to place a glass of wine on the bar everytime A* or I approached. So by this time I was feeling pretty good. I had a nice little buzz going, was not making any kind of fool of myself, and was enjoying the party. However, the food on the buffet was not very appetizing. So now I have an empty stomach, and that bar tender just kept on pouring the wine.

Next thing I remember clearly is being involved in a train. You know these things, every wedding has them. Where everyone lines up and dances around the hall, while the "C'mon ride the train" song plays? So I was in the train, and apparently having a pretty good time, because A* told me that everytime we passed the table he was sitting at, I punched my fist up into the air and yelled "Woo hoo!!" As the train song died down, another song came on, and I stayed on the dance floor and got down. Somewhere in this time period, Touchy-Feely from earlier appeared and began to try to dance with me. He kept grabbing my hands and trying to spin me around. I think I said, "Ew," to him and staggered off to find A*.

Don't really remember all that much else. The rest are details that A* has supplied. I guess I had a couple more glasses of wine, and A* decided it was time to go home before I did something stupid in front of all these people that I work with. He half carried me to the car, and a friendly security guy advised him to "give her two asprin before you put her to bed." Now things start getting out of hand. We are driving home when the urge hits me. I am going to puke, and I mean NOW. I told A*, and he screeched the car over to the side of the road. There I vomitted all over the curb. Apparently we also disturbed a homeless man's sleep, because A* said that as I was leaning out of the door and heaving, the man got up from his bed of blankets and stood by A*. His comment? "Man, she is fucked up."

We got home after stopping three more times so that I could throw up. According to A*, he told me to leave the window down and I refused. I guess that explains how the puke got all over the door and window. He says that I projectile vomitted onto the glass. Oops. A* carried me up the stairs and deposited me in the bathroom, where I threw up even more. A* asked me if I felt like I could go to bed, and I told him no, so the sweetheart went and got my pillow and a blanket and made a bed for me on the floor of the bathroom. I camped out there for a couple of hours, as the cats sniffed me and wondered what I was doing on the floor when I wasn't playing with them, and then I woke up and realized that my bed would be WAY more comfortable than the floor. As I staggered into the bedroom, I happened to glance at the clock.

It was 11:00.

And this is why my drinking days are over. I can no longer handle two and a half bottles of wine, and I am passed out before 11.

I am a nerd.

Girl Crushes

A* has long been saying that I am a quasi-lesbian, only held back by him and my need for a penis. He may be right, because I have lots of crushes on girls. Here are some of my top ones for your viewing pleasure.

Amy Lee of Evanescence- I tried to put a picture in here, but alas, my technology deficiency wins again. Anyway, if you don't know who she or the band are, go to their website (www.evanescence.com) Now, anyone that can rock that hard and look like a dark angel is wonderful in my book. I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I love her because she doesn't look like everyone else, and she doesn't care. She doesn't try to fit into the mold of anything or anyone, plus she sings like nobody's business. I would steal her in a second. Definitely my number one crush.

Rachel Ray- Weird one, huh? I love this chick. She has her own show called 30 Minute Meals on the Food Network, and I watch it religiously. Rachel can have a healthy and delicious meal on the table in less than thirty minutes, and what more can you ask for from a mate? Plus, she has really great hair and sparkly eyes when she smiles. I just think she is really cute and personable. But the clothing choices? Three quarter length sleeves every single show? Not so much.

Angelina Jolie- Based on looks alone, because the girl can be a little weird. But god, have you ever seen a picture of her when she doesn't look absolutely beautiful? Even when she's sluffing around Africa or wherever she goes all the time, she still manages to look gorgeous. Those lips could do so many things, so many many good things. Plus I really like her voice, with that kind of fake accent to make her seem posh or something.

This girl Jen that I work with- Jen is so cute, with her streaky blonde hair and little figure. I have been loving her from afar ever since she started here, but then one day she came over and gave me a phone book to put under my computer monitor and I was hooked. She has dimples and a great smile. Right now she is expecting her first child, and even pregnant she looks cute and innocent. She didn't get fat anywhere, just has that little belly that sticks out from her ultra-cute maternity clothes. My favorite is a little white T-shirt that says "Baby" in sparkly letters. On anyone else this would make me want to throw up, because it is so cutesy, but it goes with her personality.

There ya go, all of my hopeless crushes. Really I love Amy Lee the best, and if she ever asked me to run away with her I would be the first one on the bus. I wanted to get a giant poster of her to hang in our bedroom, but A* said it would be weird when we were having sex... he thinks that I may be looking at her instead of concentrating on him. He's maybe a little bit right.